Sunday, November 2, 2008

Facing Fears

I have decided that I'm going to directly confront my fears, so the first thing that i need to do as a Virgo is make a list of my fears. and here's what i have so far.

  • Snakes and all of there lovely lil' slimy friends like frogs and lizards.
  • Heights, I've always said that the reason I'm short is because I scared to get any taller.

I know there's more that should be on this list but i can't think of them at the moment, must have blocked them out. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to go about this adventure but I will.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Lost

Once my husband left, i was offered a wonderful opportunity. The chance to discover myself, uninfluenced by his opinions and negativity. A journey that would be filled with excitement, a road i had been waiting what has felt like a lifetime to travel down.
However, I find myself on less of a road. It's more like I've been dropped in them center of a darkened labyrinth with just a candle and the desire to survive to guide me.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Heartless


Recently I had cards read by the fabulously wonderful Rae Jillian http://www.ether.com/CallButton/RaeJillian/7885075.aspx
and to my shock it wasn't too bad. In fact it was a very positive reading, despite a rocky start. My life appears to have several positive things going for me right now, however the good is being hidden by a wave or more so flood of negativity. Mainly from me. I guess i'm so used to disappointment that i'm subconsciously being my own road block and not taking the necessary action to just get it done. It's taking me a while longer then i though to realize that the 200 lb sofa weight is gone (my ex's main job was to hold down the couch so it wouldn't escape) and now i really do have the chance to make things happen for me with out them being destroyed.

Towards the end of the reading i slipped into girly mode and asked what she saw in the way of love. And not the answer was not a surprise, my entire reading was completely heartless. No love in sight. now i know that doesn't' mean forever, and right now it's probably the best thing for me. Giving me the opportunity to focus on me and the kids but a lil lovin would be nice and kinda appreciated.

I asked her if the universe was saying that i should just give up on men all together and switch sides, if you get my drift. She reshuffled, asked a simple question (the exact wording escapes me) Is Ree gay, and pulled a card from the deck.
The freaking Queen of Hearts, holding a flaming rainbow.
And that explains why i have such bad luck with guys.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

and a drink


smiles, greetings and a drink
relaxed conversation and a drink
silence and a drink
a stolen kiss covered by false apologies
a drink, and another drink
aggressive roaming hands
protests muffled by demanding kisses
torn clothes
pulled hair
over powered
immobilized
violated
bruised
harsh cruel words
heart broken
trust broken
love broken
I'm broken
tear stained cheeks
whimpers in the dark
and a drink

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

no sweet dreams

It's that time of year again, without fail it has come as always and I'm not referring to the approaching holidays. We are once again in the mist of the dreaded hurricane season and already the LA coast was brutalized by one.
Chased from our homes again, filling the cars to the brim with our precious items and this time more than 3 days of clothes. Hoping against hope that we would return to an undamaged life but at the same time fully accepting as the front door closed it would be for the last time.
With three storms brewing anxiety levels are on the rise. I can no longer escape my fears while i sleep, night after exhausting night my dreams are being haunted by the memories I've tried so hard to bury. The complete and utter death of a small community, the homes, lives and dreams that washes away that day.
Empty silence filled the hollow shell of what was left of the neighborhoods; no cars, no laughter, no voices, no barking dogs, no chirping singing birds only the occasional knock and scrape of the mutilated shed roof as it flowed lifelessly in the wind.
The nauseating stench of the remaining water and swamp mud that rode in on the tide but failed to leave, the slim invaded every crack and crevice imaginable and even some that weren't. Now dried rock solid and unmoving, everything that lay within it's path has now been marked, claimed by the vengeance of the storm and lost forever.
The putrid smell of rot, decay and death; The dry, powdery contaminated air that clung to clothes and filled the lungs; the burn of bleach on skin scrubbing and scrubbing trying desperately to wash away the filth. To those from the southern parishes that dared to venture back to what remained will never forget the sights, smells and overwhelming emotion felt during that first drive through the streets of their beloved city.
Wading through homes, climbing over furniture, each step cautiously taken. Dropping to hands and knees rummaging, desperately searching for something anything which remained intact. Only to pull destroyed keepsake, after destroyed keepsake from the depths of the destruction.
Stinging tear filled eyes, shaking unsteady hands, the mind clouded in a sea of helplessness and a broken heart.
Time heals all wounds, the tears have stopped flowing, the mind has refocused and the understanding that my memories can never be taken because they live forever with in me.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Lawyer and Judges, ex-husbands oh my!

I foolishly believed that the worst part of getting divorced was being alone, a single mom with two kids. However I'm quickly finding out i was wrong. It is not scary to be single again, actually it's kinda fun. Single mom well that's proving to be a bit harder.
The worst, most difficult and scariest part is the legal aspects and that is probably due to a few reasons. The first is that i don't understand lawyer-speak, which makes it hard to communicate with these people. Next is that I'm pretty much helpless. All i can do is complain to the lawyer and he does his fancy lawyer-speak that i again don't understand and i wait and wait and then wait a little longer. the last and biggest is the fact that my ex is on the other end causing almost as many problems for me now than he did when we were together. The only difference is that he's not on my couch being an ass he's on someone else's.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Numbers

Numbers, simple little symbols that we use to define ourselves. We are valued by the amount of zeros in our pay checks, rated by credit scores, tracked by our social security numbers, we live our days watching the clock. And our lives beginning and endings are marked by years.

As children we anxiously wait for the years to pass so that we may reach those magical ages, 16 to drive, 18 to vote, 21 to drink; the freedom that comes from reaching those numbers. but they are just numbers. And i choose not to give a number power over me. I choose not to be restricted or limited by these numbers.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Blogging Virgin (my first time please be gentle)

So, here I am for the first time putting myself on virtual paper for all the cyber world to see.
My life recently has been anything but normal. I'll need to give a brief recap of the past few years just to catch you up on the drama that is my life.

Three years ago, 8/29/05 my home and everything in it washed away along with almost everyone else who lived in the New Orleans area. 15 feet of water filled my much-loved little home in Arabi, LA. We (my husband, parents and daughter) did not move back to St. Bernard. We took up residence in a small town just outside of Lafayette.

Let's jump about 2 years, so now in the fall of 2007 and I am about 6 months pregnant with our second baby. A time in my life that should have been joyous was ruined by the admission of my husband that he wanted a divorce and later he confessed to having an affair. Obviously at the time I was completely devastated. How would I survive alone with two children? Could I make it alone? There were so many questions and so many fears, the biggest was the uncertainty of the future.
After a year of adjustment, I'm doing very well. Having him out of my life and off of my sofa was the best thing that could have ever happened for me. I realize now that I had not truly been happy while I was with him and now i have the ability to discover what will and believe me I'm actively looking.

I've said this line many times in the past few years but here it is again (for you this time) If you had asked me three years ago if I ever imagined I would be divorced, with two children, living in a small country town. I would have told you you'd lost your mind. Not me it would never happen to me. No divorce we're fine, no more kids we're good with 1 and I'm not moving anywhere.

Just proves that there are powers greater out there somewhere and they will do with you as they please, so don't fight them. You may not understand but in time you will get what you deserve. Just pray you have enough karma points that you'll be rewarded and not at the receiving end of the karmic bitch slap.