Soda Pop Insanity

In my head somewhere there is a beautifully decorated bottle, fabulous shades of blue stained glass, embedded jewels with silver trimming. And inside this lovely little delicate bottle is my sanity. Occasionally when the table in my mind is bumped the bottle gets knocked over and a little crazy spills out resulting in, well lets just say a i can be a bit moody.
Not only has my bottle reached the limit over the past few years but it feels as thought its been shaken and now instead of a gentle spill with mild emotionally leakage...there is a volcanic eruption of uncontrollable crazy.
I think i need a new top, or maybe some super glue because I'm strong, a life time of practice at hold the bottle closed, keeping the emotions in check and smiling to hide the pain just isn't working like it used to. Maybe I'm just not as tough as i thought i was.
And what happens if my bottle just breaks?

Morn with me

Please bow your head and join me in a moment of silence. I have recently lost a most precious thing: my youth.
This morning I found my first grey hair.

I am a Phoenix

I finally got my phoenix tattoo this weekend. It came out wonderful. The artist that did it was Micheal at Inferno Ink here in Lafayette. He was amazing as well, not only cute but sweet, funny and very patience with my twitching toes. I can say that it was much more painful then my wrist, which I intend to go see him to have it touched up.

The Phoenix is a very special representation of my personality. Each time she is faced with death she rises from the ashes stronger, and wiser then before. Just as I have, obviously I haven't literally died but so far I've experienced times where either i was close or a symbolic death has occurred. And each time I've survived and have become a better person from it.

Good Luck Charms

We have a new pet, a white crawfish. My dad found it while running traps in his pond. Its a pretty cool pet to have I'm hearing they are kinda rare. Also, that the white ones are good luck and the blue are bad but i though the blue were good cause shortly after we got him i got divorced.. which is pretty good as far as I'm concerned.

Painful Memories

The past week has been extremely difficult, mentally and emotionally. My mind has been wondering around with a shovel and digging up buried memories. Things long since forgotten. Wounds that have scabbed over, but never healed.
I'm remembering the way you made me cry and why.
I'm remembering the hurt and shame i felt and why.
I'm remembering lying in bed in pain.
I realize why i resented and despised you.
I realize why i stopped loving you.
I realize why i hate you.

One simple word comes to mind...
Karma

Thoughts on Jesus

When it comes to religion, I am not mainstream and by that I mean I choose to not follow Christianity. My beliefs are far more spiritual and include a lovely compilation of various ideas and concepts. Because of this my children are not baptised (which my mother hates and reminds me often.) and have had no formal religious education. Simply me sharing my ideas and beliefs. With Easter right around the corner my daughter asked what Good Friday was all about. So I was explaining that it is a christian holiday that marks the day Jesus was killed and that 3 days later on Sunday he rose. My innocent child turned to me in absolute disgust and said he rose from the dead, like a zombie.

In all my years, and as completely twisted as my mind is, I have never imagined comparing Jesus to a zombie..

???

I've heard that, well behaved women rarely make history. I'm not very well behaved but i don't see me being remembered for anything.
I'm just an ordinary girl, in an ordinary world... and i don't want to be here anymore.

The Boy of my Dreams

The boy of my dreams...
Is the strong silent type, outdoorsy,
Protective, tough, cuddly,
Sweet, intelligent, handy,
Gentle, aggressive, down to earth,
Cute, creative, funny,
Happy, laid back, easy going,
Take charge, loving, snugly.
The boy of my dreams
Isn't much of a boy at all.

Atlas

My baby brother called today frantic and strung out. Begging for help. So i made the 3 hour drive to get him and brought him back home for another round of detox. This time unlike the other he called me and i can't turn my back on him. Needless to say I'm lost an scared, i know this is stupid but what if i fail him and cant keep him clean. what if i can't help him through this. WHY in the hell do i always take the world on my little shoulders....
I feel alone and I just want to curl up and cry. and wish even more that i had someone to hold me and tell me it would all be OK. That i could do this and that i wont fail.

Universe Smiles

I woke and my mind was filled with surprise and thoughts of Fred.. a wonderful dream where we were together. You guided me out of the darkening forest.. while being chased by wolves. The rustling of the leaves, the growls and snarls, the fear inside me. you held my hand tighter and encouraged me to run, to not give up, to keep moving forward despite the overwhelming fear... we escaped the darkness, stumbled and collapsed onto each other, i laid in your arms.. absorbing the brightness of the day, and stared back into the treeline.. and watched the threat retreating.

Once i climbed out of bed and the day began the dream left me..but occational thoughts of you returned. Then that evening you called me. It was like the universe knew that i needed to hear your voice, and it was wonderful. The universe smiled a blessing on me...and that blessing was my Freddy.