WTF... really now?

I feel fuzzy, distant and out of touch with reality. But which reality is real. Sometimes it's the life i left that i yearn for. Shouldn't reality, my reality be the life I'm creating with each passing day. I don't know where I belong or where I should be or where I fit. But what if i am in the right place for something... I still know where I want to go but I seem to be forever stuck on the treadmill of life, planning, thinking bout, wanting to move but not. At least I'm not going in reverse. But would reverse take me back home and do I truly want to go there again. No, not now. What to do when home isn't home anymore and this isn't home either?

You stupid SOB....

I'm feeling extremely close to a meltdown. it makes me want to eat or drink or eat while I'm drinking! I'm hating you with renewed passion because you are not here to help... not that you'd have helped anyway. Not that you ever helped with anything. I guess this is just another reason to hate you. Not that I need more, my hate-the-ex husband level is pretty f'ing high already. Bastard!
OK now that I released a little of that I feel a tiny bit better. I really think i need to meditate and find my happy place.

On again, off again ON AGAIN!!

Well the holidays kind of sucked when it came to the dieting. I didn't eat horribly but I didn't eat great. I was sticking to my WW point range which wasn't working out very well. By the suggestion of Little Fat, I became more aware of the actual calories i was taking in. And that has helped so now instead of ww points for all my food, I'm just tracking calories. It seems easier that way. However I don't know if i can carry the notebook and obsess about numbers at every mean for the rest of my life but certainly for the next or should i say last 30lbs.

The other big change is that starting last month I joined a gym, Gold's Gym. And I love it!! There is a boys not allowed "girls room" and then the larger co-ed room filled to the brim with hot muscly men. To my surprise I don't mind the co-ed room all that much, probably cause I just hop on the treadmill, turn up my music and do my thing. The wall of mirrors allows me to keep entertained with a nice view so the time kind of flies by.

good bye 10, hello 11

I'm saying good bye to 2010, it's 12:47 new years eve or i guess now it's new years day so it's already 2011. I've never been one for the new year resolution, making self promises that i have no intention of keeping. i however do have a few hopes for this coming year. I would like to see me lose some more weight, I'm almost to my goal and i would really like to get there soon. I would like to take another nice family vacation maybe even two. I want to pick two things from my long "bucket list" and do them. (I realize that i didn't do anything last year and that makes me very sad) I'd also like to find someone to share my life with, I know I know that is corny as hell but it's true. Some people are OK being alone, I'm not one of them. I want to share myself with someone. I don't need to but i want to. Oh well I'm sure there is a lot more... 2010 was bad and good. i got a promotion, and a raise but a lot of stress and responsibility. I got full custody of my kids, but it proves my ex wants nothing to do with them which really hurt my daughter. I became an aunt (no bad side there i love my little Mae Mae). I'm looking forward to a wonderful year =)

Stood Up....

And thrilled about it.. that's right what girl admits to being happy about being stood up, a girl that has a court date with her ex husband, that's who.
That was one of the deciding factor in the custody hearing. Since he didn't bother to show up. (which i didn't expect since it's been so long since seeing the kids) the hearing office ruled in my favor, with sole custody of my kids. Saying that if he didn't care to be there then he didn't deserve them. And i agree!!

blah

I believe the title pretty much sums it all up. I'm feeling basically blah, it's 1 am and I'm not exactly tired. My little man just had a bad dream and the princess is sick. The weekend is shot which makes me want to cry because i hate wasted weekends.

who's your daddy

tonight my sweet baby boy asked "where me daddy?" and i had no clue what to day. I was shocked that he asked at all since he's only 2 1/2 years old. I guess i never thought about the explaining. I was always worried about the impact him not being around would have on the kids.
So I smiled, told him i didn't know. But it was OK because I am your mommy and daddy. He said OK dada. I responded, just call me mommy. He laughed, told me i was silly and went back to playing.